Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past week (no offense if you actually do live under a rock), you’ve probably heard the story about an airline passenger threatening the TSA with legal action if they “touched his junk.”
The video (mostly just audio) is below. But the cliff-notes version is the guy didn’t want to go through the scanning machine, and didn’t want to be groped by a TSA agent during the pat-down process. As a result, he was escorted out of the airport, but not before being threatened with fines and possible jail time for refusing to complete the security screening.
For a shorter, satirical look at the controversy, you can check out this animated video below:
Since not everyone wants to undergo a “security scan” using the TSA’s Advanced Imaging Technology (i.e., a scanner that lets the TSA see you naked), or even to be subjected to a thorough groping (err, a pat down), I’ve thought of a few ways to comes to terms with the TSA.
Please note that the techniques below may subject you to fines, arrest, deportation, and/or a nice enema.
Don’t get mad, get even
There’s no way to get on a commercial aircraft in the United States without having to be screened properly by the TSA. That doesn’t mean you have to like it. And that doesn’t mean you have to not like it quietly. Here are some techniques to beat the TSA at their own game.
Go Commando (for guys only)
There’s nothing wrong with going commando these days. So do it on your travel day.
Make sure you get the pat down, and for an extra bonus, accidentally leave your zipper undone.
You ate some horrible food…
You ate some horrible food before coming to the airport, so naturally you have gas.
As the TSA agent is patting you down, explain that you had some awful Mexican food.
As the agent reaches for your inner thigh, let one rip. And then apologize, “Sorry. That last one came out kinda wet.”
Test out your acting skills
As you’re receiving your pat down, start moaning, and then proceed to fake an orgasm.
Do some TSA social networking
After receiving your pat down, thank the TSA agent, and then give the agent your phone number. With a wink, mention, “I can give you the pat down next time.”
Be a prude
Explain to the TSA agent after the pat down, “Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been to 2nd base at the airport.”
Be a pervert
After receiving your pat down, ask, “So if we go to the private screening area, will you finish me off?”
Bring back childhood memories
As the TSA agent is patting you down, explain, “You know, my father used to touch me in the same way.”
Do you have your own TSA techniques?
While I’m sure I’ll end up on the no-fly list after this post, I’m extremely interested in what techniques you have to offer.
Thanks for reading.