Things to Do When the TSA Wants to Touch Your Junk

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past week (no offense if you actually do live under a rock), you’ve probably heard the story about an airline passenger threatening the TSA with legal action if they “touched his junk.”

The video (mostly just audio) is below. But the cliff-notes version is the guy didn’t want to go through the scanning machine, and didn’t want to be groped by a TSA agent during the pat-down process. As a result, he was escorted out of the airport, but not before being threatened with fines and possible jail time for refusing to complete the security screening.

For a shorter, satirical look at the controversy, you can check out this animated video below:

Since not everyone wants to undergo a “security scan” using the TSA’s Advanced Imaging Technology (i.e., a scanner that lets the TSA see you naked), or even to be subjected to a thorough groping (err, a pat down), I’ve thought of a few ways to comes to terms with the TSA.

Please note that the techniques below may subject you to fines, arrest, deportation, and/or a nice enema.

Don’t get mad, get even

There’s no way to get on a commercial aircraft in the United States without having to be screened properly by the TSA. That doesn’t mean you have to like it. And that doesn’t mean you have to not like it quietly. Here are some techniques to beat the TSA at their own game.

Go Commando (for guys only)

There’s nothing wrong with going commando these days. So do it on your travel day.

Make sure you get the pat down, and for an extra bonus, accidentally leave your zipper undone.

You ate some horrible food…

You ate some horrible food before coming to the airport, so naturally you have gas.

As the TSA agent is patting you down, explain that you had some awful Mexican food.

As the agent reaches for your inner thigh, let one rip. And then apologize, “Sorry. That last one came out kinda wet.”

Test out your acting skills

As you’re receiving your pat down, start moaning, and then proceed to fake an orgasm.

Do some TSA social networking

After receiving your pat down, thank the TSA agent, and then give the agent your phone number. With a wink, mention, “I can give you the pat down next time.”

Be a prude

Explain to the TSA agent after the pat down, “Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever been to 2nd base at the airport.”

Be a pervert

After receiving your pat down, ask, “So if we go to the private screening area, will you finish me off?”

Bring back childhood memories

As the TSA agent is patting you down, explain, “You know, my father used to touch me in the same way.”

Do you have your own TSA techniques?

While I’m sure I’ll end up on the no-fly list after this post, I’m extremely interested in what techniques you have to offer.

Thanks for reading.

14 thoughts on “Things to Do When the TSA Wants to Touch Your Junk”

  1. I intend to urinate and have violent diarrhea spraying everywhere the next time these FASCIST tsa thugs attempt to violate my rights and privacy.

    they touch my genitals, they will DIE. I will kick the shit out of anyone that violates me like that.

  2. How about leaving a little note down there with your phone number on it and when they find it give them a wink and say “see ya on my return home.”

    1. say “I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body and I don’t feel comfortable with a man touching me that way. I require a woman to do the pat down”… of course be prepared for Helga to get the honor.

      .. Or .. “It’s against my religion to have physical contact with another man” and if they say no then say “are you telling me the government isn’t allowing me to practice my religion?”… of course this will backfire because the bill of rights mean nothing to these people.

  3. You may not believe it, but having fun at the expense of the TSA is actually HELPFUL in ending the insanity that is on display every day from government thugs of all sort. MAKE FUN OF THEM ALL…LAUGH AT THEM AND THEIR STUPIDITY. The first stop on the way out the door for tyrants is when the people start laughing them. This is all security theater and when you show you know none of it really serves a legitimate purpose in keeping us safe, you have aided the war effort! Do it…laugh at them. Whether you resist or not, LAUGH AT THE ASININE ANTICS of a government that has completely lost creditability with the people. When we act like this is for real, they win. When we smirk at their stupidity at going through the security motions, they are held up to the public as the dumbasses they are. BTW Make them show you something that says someone who laughs but doesn’t take other steps is impeding them. More BS from a government that cranks it out by the plane load.

  4. I really think you should just leave this alone. There is really nothing you can do about the rules TSA puts out. All they have in mind is safety.


    1. @ Sarah: I really think you should just leave this alone. There is really nothing you can do about the rules TSA puts out. All they have in mind is safety.

      Dear God in Heaven…please tell me you are just Janet Napolitano in a human costume. No normal human being could observe what is going on and say something as abysmally insipid and–dare I say it?–unAmerican as that. You truly give a whole new level of meaning to the word ‘sheeple.’

      I want to thank you, though. In addition to laughing at TSA, I can also laugh at people like you who actually buy the government propaganda hook, line and sinker. How on earth do you find your way in the world, dearie?

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