The squirrel — let’s call him Chester — was laying fast asleep when he heard a loud crunch.

“What was that?” He thought.

Chester glanced up from his slumber and saw it — a human close enough that he could touch it. Chester rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but the human was real.

Chester was upset. There are plenty of trees in Berkeley and this human had to pick the one to climb that he was in. What was she doing anyway?

Chester observed the human setting up some kind of electronic recording device that very much resembled a video camera. The human began pointing it at the street.

Now Chester was really upset. A human has interrupted his slumber for clandestine tendencies. Something had to be done. Chester looked around for any weapons that could be of use to knock the human out of the tree, but couldn’t find any available.

Then Chester saw it. It was a gem to behold, but it was in the middle of the street and Chester would have to sneak down the tree. The gem was a large nut that could be used to slam against this human’s skull and forever dissuade this human from climbing trees ever again!

Chester was able to sneak down without the human noticing, but a new challenge presented itself. Chester could hear a car coming. Chester listened for a moment and it seemed that the car was a safe enough distance a way to run out, grab the nut, and run back to the safety of a sidewalk.

Chester darted out and reached the nut. Blinding headlights disoriented Chester as several tons of machinery and thick smoke raced towards him. Chester closed his eyes and braced for the end.

There was silence. And then Chester opened his eyes and saw the large tire that had missed him by inches. Chester grabbed the nut and ran off, but decided to eat it rather than trying to thwart yet another human.

What is Chester Doing Today?

Chester was obviously traumatized by his ordeal. A human scared him out of his tree and a car nearly crushed him. Chester is now undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress. To this day, he can no longer climb a tree. The perpetrator in Chester’s tree was found out to be Vivien. She made a special trip from Canada to spy on American citizens and is now being interrogated by the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security.

The one who almost murdered the squirrel was Bes Zain. He is currently under investigation for attempted vehicular homicide by local authorities.

Chester has declined to comment on this case due to pending litigation.