A group of friends and I frequented a restaurant to partake in their weekly special of $1 margaritas.

As we settled in, my friend’s favorite waitress approached. I had seen her previously, but never really made small talk.

As a side note, people who know me well know I have a very dry sense of humor. But it’s intellectually dry, so most of my jokes go flying right over others’ heads. For those who don’t get my humor, the initial reaction is that the things I say are quite offensive.

The waitress began taking our order and confessed to my friend, “I’m kinda freaked out right now. That guy over there got a cheap feel.”

My friend asked, “What happened?”

“Well, as I was walking by, that guy held out his hand so it would brush my ass. I guess he wanted a cheap feel.”

Alarm bells started going off on my head, and since I had already had a few margaritas, the Ron filter was completely shut off.

“So what constitutes a cheap feel?” I asked the waitress.

The waitress, not expecting the question, asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, that guy grabbed your ass for free right? And that’s considered a cheap feel?”

I could tell the waitress was started to get uncomfortable. “Um, I guess.”

“You guess?” I persisted, “So was it a cheap feel or not?”

She relented, “Yes, it was a cheap feel. So what?”

“Well…” I asked wondering, “So hypothetically speaking, what would someone have to pay in order for it not to be a cheap feel?”

At this point my friends were shaking their heads at me.

“I don’t understand.” the waitress said.

“I’ll break it down. The guy grabbed your ass for free. That’s considered by you to be a cheap feel.”

“Yes.” she agreed.

“So if I gave you this $20 in a hypothetical sense and grabbed your ass, would that still be a cheap feel?”

“Ron, shut up.” a friend begged of me.

“I’m serious.” I said, “At what point is it not a cheap feel anymore?”

The waitress got freaked out and left.

“Ron, that was bad.” one of my friends said. I agreed and laughed to myself silently.