Ten Book Titles to Scare Off People

I was recently inspired by a recent Fox News Out There column that described a Canadian company that designed self-help book covers for those that want to be left alone. One of the examples was "How to Murder a Complete Stranger … and Get Away With It." I have come up with my own ten potential book titles for those that want to be left alone, whether you're in a bookstore, airport, coffee lounge, or employee break-room. Within each of the book titles I will give the plot points for each book. These book titles are satirical and shouldn't be taken seriously. Continue Reading...

I was recently inspired by a recent Fox News Out There column that described a Canadian company that designed self-help book covers for those that want to be left alone. One of the examples was “How to Murder a Complete Stranger … and Get Away With It.”

I have come up with my own ten potential book titles for those that want to be left alone, whether you’re in a bookstore, airport, coffee lounge, or employee break-room. Within each of the book titles I will give the plot points for each book. These book titles are satirical and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

In case you missed it at the top: These book titles are satirical and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

How to kill your best friend, but still be a nice guy.

My how you are a conflicted person! You want to kill your best friend, but don’t want to lose your nice guy image. This book lists the steps to secretly wipe out your friend in a humane way, and still be able to develop deep relations with other people you know.

A self-help book for those who can’t be helped.

Have you skimmed just about every book in the self-help section only to find yourself still lost? This book helps redeem the irredeemable.

What to do when the voices in your head stop talking.

Let’s face it. You liked it when you could hear the voices in your head. This book is broken down into twelve chapters that describe how to get the voices to start talking again.

Non-violent ways to get people to stop looking at the book you’re reading.

Are you sick of people looking over your shoulder when you’re reading a book, newspaper, or even your laptop screen? This book helps the natural born killer tame their ways in order to achieve a non-violent solution with regards to snoopers.

How to get out of a conversation without committing a felony.

Ever been in a conversation with a blabber-mouth who wouldn’t shut up? As natural as it might feel to commit a felony (assault, murder, etc…) to get the person to stop, it just isn’t couth anymore. This book lists the modern-day techniques to gracefully break out of an unwanted conversation.

How to overcome random burping and flatulation.

We all have our hidden problems. Unfortunately, burping and flatulation isn’t one of those hidden problems. This book goes into the necessary diet and regimen in order to reduce your tendency to randomly burp and flatulate in public.

Ten easy solutions to treat your air-rage.

Do Flight Attendants get on your nerves? To you have to count to ten everytime someone brings an over-sized carry-on onto the plane? This book gives ten easy solutions to reduce the anger you feel when someone annoys you on an airplane.

The easiest ways to get into prison.

Are you sick of living paycheck to paycheck? Why not live on the taxpayers dime? This book gives many examples of crimes that will easily get you into prison. The book also has detailed appendices that show what states to become citizens of in order to have access to the best prisons. If you purchase the book at special retail locations, a pocket guide is included that lists the crimes versus the time estimated spent in prison.

How to resist murdering the person sitting next to you.

Do you have a problem putting up with people? This book helps you overcome the temptation to murder the person closest to you. Included with the book is a trial online support group membership. Why online? We’ll let you figure that one out.

How to dump your girlfriend without killing her.

Dumping your girlfriend is hard. Sometimes it’s easier dumping the body than listening to her cry and beg for you back. This book lists several steps to dump your girlfriend without having to resort to murder.

Bonus: How to tell somebody, and not kill them.

So you’re an ex-CIA official and know a lot of top-secret information. You have recently come to a point in life where you must tell somebody the things you know, but you don’t want to kill them because of the leaked classified information. This book goes into ways you can tell people your secrets without having to kill them.

In case you missed it at the top: These book titles are satirical and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

3 thoughts on “Ten Book Titles to Scare Off People”

  1. *cough* Apparently someone didn't actually read the column, but only skimmed it. *cough*

    They aren't selling books, but book covers to put over the book you are reading. The cover alone is supposed to ward off nosy people. :p

    Other than that, aren't there a few titles in here that you might not want to joke about, considering…?  Nevermind the times these titles refer to violence/murder.  Hmm.

    cetroyer

  2. Ooops.. I mis-read the "book jackets" part.

    Perhaps there are a few up there that are questionable. Like I said, the titles are not to be taken seriously.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Scroll to Top