Fiction, Stories

Andrews

“So I’ve watched every single Final Destination movie that has ever, ever, come out, and I have this one death scene I absolutely have to fucking see.” Andrews screamed enthusiastically to the other Google Hangout members.

“Go ahead,” Roth agreed.

“So it’s a gas station. There is no body there. Clouds are stormy lookin’. There looks like there’s going to be a fucking tornado, right?”

“So up comes this douche, and I’ll call him the torture douche because that’s what I want to do to him.

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Fiction, Stories

Stella

Through her small Google Hangout she could make out an array of faces ordered to her beck-and-call.

“So we have the Storyboard people here, Stella. We’d like you to go over your torture scene.”

“Oh, I’ve already explained it.” Stella replied.

The director, Roth, whom they commonly use, reads his note cards: “It says you want a woman’s baby cut out with it burning to death?”

“Exactly.” Stella agreed.

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Fiction, Stories

Character Assassination

“Thank you all for attending this very important meeting. As I stated in the e-mail, this could very well be an excellent and highly-profitable new venture for our company.”

The room was silent. The oblong table which seats eight was filled to capacity.

Security experts, an ex-FBI agent, the dreaded attorney, and one overworked accountant were among those in attendance.

Standing in front of a dreary and neglected projector screen was the CEO of Mindefusement.

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Rants

Ten Reasons You Should Pay Asshole Tax

Let’s face it, assholes: you need to pay up for your atrocious behavior.

Here are ten reasons you are required to pay asshole tax.

you-are-an-asshole

10: You are a forgetful douche

gandalf

Your wife’s, girlfriend’s, or mistresses’ birthday? When the hell is that? Oh, it was last week? Whatever, you just saved some bank on being an idiot and a closet asshole.

Did you forget to pick up your child and left them sitting in the rain for an hour?

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Peeves

How Work Gossip Sounds to Everyone Else

Girl 1: I can’t believe he didn’t file the APA form correctly! He does it every Thursday. I can’t stand him.

Girl 2: Right, filling out the APA is so darn hard? You just have to have the MIPA credentials from the GAPA department, and bam, you’re done.

Girl 3: OMG, the BAPA of the department can’t even figure out it out.

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Fiction, Stories

Joaquin

The following is a short story. Caution: language

“What we’re talking about is a cheap and easy way to kill your enemies.”

It certainly didn’t seem cheap, and it certainly didn’t seem easy.

You see, I have what some would call a societal stigma. I’m fucked in the head, as some would put it. A bit of a loner, a bit of a sociopath, and perhaps a closet serial killer.

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