Rants

What Valentine’s Day Really Means

With Valentine’s Day coming tomorrow, retailers are pushing full force to get you to buy that special someone a Valentine’s Day gift.

The retail aspect of this holiday is absolutely absurd, and is one of the reasons I boycott this holiday.

Putting the retail aspect aside, however, Valentine’s Day is a reminder for a lot of things. Here’s a list of what people are reminded of when cupid’s arrow strikes:

  • You’re single! (neener-neener)
  • Your wife’s a gold digger!
  • Your man is a cheapskate.
  • You haven’t been laid in two months!
  • You’re too ugly to receive a Valentine (sorry).
  • You’re allergic to chocolate.
  • Your life’s dream has been to kill a real-life teddybear.
  • You HATE chocolate.
  • Balloons kill sea-turtles.
  • Your boyfriend’s in prison and…
  • You’re six months pregnant.
  • She’s too young for you.
  • He’s too old for you (but he has money).
  • He left me for someone younger.
  • For all gorgeous women out there, there is always one man who absolutely can’t stand her.
  • Do NOT go to any restaurants.
  • Avoid (ahem) parks and other romantic “spots” at night.
  • Do NOT listen to the radio.
  • That it might be fun to pretend you’re a serial killer for a day.
  • To send yourself flowers next year.
  • To laugh at all those “He went to Jared” commercials.
  • To regift that sweet sex toy you received last year.

Okay, I’ll stop there. Feel free to continue in the comments section if you wish.

I'm Ronald and I like cats, killing zombies, and oxford commas.

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