Fiction, Stories

The Russian

“But the death penalty isn’t even in effect anymore!” she screamed.

She was right. This was good ol’ Cali-forn-i-a.

“It was in 2014. Putting prisoners to death is against the law there.”

“Exactly!” I screamed back. “He’s been sitting there for a good ten years, tops. He’ll be grumpy and ready to talk.”

“Who are you after?” Julie demanded.

“Alexei Ivanov is the man I’m after.

.... Continiue Reading...

Fiction, Stories

Embracing the Shell

Embracing the shell was Jason’s next big Mindefusement move. He just had to convince the absolutely one person to convince: Mindefusement’s lead counsel, Julie Biggs.

“Julie, I’ve set this up so we can talk about this new character assassination project.”

“Shouldn’t be done, Jason, I’ve made that clear.”

“Well, you said it would fuck us.” Jason replied.

“Not would. If we do this, you might as well get your résumé curated.”

Julie was right to not want to do this.

.... Continiue Reading...

Fiction, Stories


“So I’ve watched every single Final Destination movie that has ever, ever, come out, and I have this one death scene I absolutely have to fucking see.” Andrews screamed enthusiastically to the other Google Hangout members.

“Go ahead,” Roth agreed.

“So it’s a gas station. There is no body there. Clouds are stormy lookin’. There looks like there’s going to be a fucking tornado, right?”

“So up comes this douche, and I’ll call him the torture douche because that’s what I want to do to him.

.... Continiue Reading...

Fiction, Stories


Through my small Google Hangout I could make up an array of faces ordered to my beck-and-call.

“So we have the Storyboard people here, Stella. We’d like you to go over your torture scene.”

“Oh, I’ve already explained it.” Stella replied.

The director, Roth, whom they commonly use, reads his note cards: “It says you want a woman’s baby cut out with it burning to death?”

“Exactly.” Stella agreed.

.... Continiue Reading...

Fiction, Stories

Character Assassination

“Thank you all for attending this very important meeting. As I stated in the e-mail, this could very well be an excellent and highly-profitable new venture for our company.”

The room was silent. The oblong table which seats eight was filled to capacity.

Security experts, an ex-FBI agent, the dreaded attorney, and one overworked accountant were among those in attendance.

Standing in front of a dreary and neglected projector screen was the CEO of Mindefusement.

.... Continiue Reading...


Ten Reasons You Should Pay Asshole Tax

Let’s face it, assholes: you need to pay up for your atrocious behavior.

Here are ten reasons you are required to pay asshole tax.


10: You are a forgetful douche


Your wife’s, girlfriend’s, or mistresses’ birthday? When the hell is that? Oh, it was last week? Whatever, you just saved some bank on being an idiot and a closet asshole.

Did you forget to pick up your child and left them sitting in the rain for an hour?

.... Continiue Reading...